How Mums Can Manage The Mental Load
By Nicky Kantura, Maternal Mental Health Counsellor
There’s an invisible weight many mothers carry, day in day out. It’s not always the nappies, dinner prep, school drop-offs – it’s what happens in your head: remembering, planning, anticipating, worrying. That weight is called the mental load, and if it’s left unchecked it can lead to burnout, resentment, guilt, loss of rest, and feeling like you’re never quite ‘off duty’.
In my work with mums, I often see how the mental load quietly accumulates. The good news? There are tangible steps you can take and ways of thinking that can shift the burden.
What is the mental load?
The mental load includes:
Keeping track of everything – birthdays, appointments, cleaning, shopping
Aticipating needs - noticing that uniform is too small, or that toothpaste is running out)
Holding the emotional labour - worrying about everyone else’s well-being, remembering what your kids need
Planning ahead, so that the visible tasks run more smoothly
Often, mums don’t see this labour as ‘real’ work because it is invisible. But it’s exhausting. It’s thinking when maybe you’d rather rest. It’s always being ‘on’.
Signs that the mental load is getting too heavy
You might notice:
Feeling constantly anxious/worried, even about small things
Sleep disturbances because your mind doesn’t stop planning or rerunning conversations
Irritability or low mood, especially in ‘in between’ times when there is no structure (holidays, weekends)
Resentment or frustration with partners or children because you feel you’re managing too much
Physical signs: e.g. tension, fatigue.
If you see these, it’s a signal: the mental load isn’t just ‘part of motherhood’, it’s a load that needs managing.
As a counsellor, I suggest…
Make the invisible visible
Often the load feels overwhelming because so much is in your head. You could try:
Doing a ‘brain dump’ - write down everything that’s on your mind related to home/ children / family.
Make lists of ongoing responsibilities and tasks. Which of them are yours by default?
Use tools - shared calendars (digital or paper), family whiteboards, reminder apps.
When tasks are visible, it becomes easier to see what can be shifted or shared.
Open gentle conversations about sharing
It can be hard to ask for help, or to engage someone in seeing everything you carry.
Here’s how to make that easier:
Choose a calm moment rather than mid-stress.
Use “I feel…” language rather than “You don’t…” to avoid blame.
Share the brain dump list or show what’s visible, so the other person sees it - not just what you say, but what your day looks like in details.
Be specific in what help you need. Instead of “help around the house,” “Could you take over meal planning this week?” or “Could you handle school runs two days?”
Delegate and allocate responsibility - with ownership
Sharing isn’t just doing tasks - it’s owning them.
When someone takes a task, allow them to do it in their way (unless safety or serious matters are involved). Remember, things may not be done exactly how you would, but handling the ownership matters more.
Rotate responsibility so that the mental load isn’t always falling on you. For instance, one parent could own mornings, the other evenings, or split school stuff/ weekly organising.
Get children (if old enough) involved in appropriate tasks: packing their own bag, chores. It helps lighten the load and teaches responsibility.
Set boundaries and reconsider what ‘musts’ are
Part of the burden is everything you feel should be done. Some of those ‘shoulds’ may be internal or social expectations, not your own values.
Take your list, and examine: are all tasks essential? Which ones can wait, or be dropped, or simplified?
Learn to say no (to external expectations, social stuff, or extra workload) when it’s stretching you too thin.
Schedule rest, downtime, recovery time just like any other appointment. This is not selfish - it’s essential.
Self-compassion and recharging
Because you are human, feeling stretched is going to happen. How you care for yourself matters:
Celebrate small wins. Even if it's “got everyone out of the house without tears” or “remembered the library books.”
Use brief rituals or micro-moments: a cup of tea alone, a walk, a bath - whatever helps you decompress.
If possible, seek connections with other mums or groups - sharing stories helps reduce isolation.
Seek professional or peer support If needed
If the load gets so heavy it’s affecting mental health, or you feel stuck, seeking help is a strong, wise step:
Counselling (individual or couples) to explore how to shift roles, manage expectations, reduce anxiety
Parenting or mum peer support groups where people share what’s working / what isn’t
Resources (books, podcasts) that address mental load, emotional labour, communication
Mind-shifts to free up mental space
Here are some beliefs I encourage mums to explore, because changing mindset can change experience:
I have to vs “What is enough / good enough for now?”
Perfectionism: letting go of small standards that cost more in mental effort than benefit.
Control: some things can’t (and shouldn’t) be controlled; striving for control often magnifies mental burden.
Co-parenting / partnership: sharing roles isn’t unfair - it’s more sustainable and builds connection.
Final thoughts
You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. The mental load doesn’t make you less capable - it is simply a heavy load that is often unacknowledged.
As a counsellor, I’ve seen mothers lighten this load, reclaim peace, and feel more connected, both with themselves and their families.
By Nicky Kantura, Maternal Mental Health Counsellor working in St Albans & online.